


Meeting her was my fate. But falling in love with her was my own mistake.

by SaltinesAndPeanutButter



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Autistic Pearl (Steven Universe), F/F, Femslash, Not Canon Compliant, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-18
Updated: 2017-07-18
Packaged: 2018-12-03 20:26:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11539821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaltinesAndPeanutButter/pseuds/SaltinesAndPeanutButter
Summary: Unrequited Pearlrose angst, that is all this fanfiction is. Only read if you are prepared to watch an autistic lesbian suffer. Slightly uncooperative with canon. Crossposted from Wattpad.





	1. Realizations

**Author's Note:**

> I lost my password to my Wattpad account so I just decided to remake here. On Wattpad I was AloofLotus.

Garnet recently suggested that I write down everything that I possibly can about Rose and how I felt about her. I have obtained this journal from a local store, and I will be recording my memories in it at Garnets suggestion.

3/13/2000:

It seemed like every day there was something new to be realized. I met Rose Quartz cut 2FL a little over a half a century ago (at that point in time) but that day was the day that I had realized that I may be in love with her. Of course it didn't hurt much at all back then. I tried not to give it a second thought, and I tried to keep going about my duties as a Pearl serving a merciful Agate who had taken all of the defective Pearls like me in Pink Diamonds court under her wing. There were a lot of us. I seen Rose standing with a group of other types of Quartzes as part of a strategy meeting, but she was being excluded by all of them due to making a joke about starting a rebellion a few decades ago. Jokes about such traitorous subjects were not taken kindly to on Homeworld. Anyway, I was enraged. How could someone not want to spend time with Rose? How could other gems be so cruel to her? I was filled with white hot rage directed at those other Quartzes. I wanted to step in and comfort Rose, I wanted to talk to her and comfort her and most importantly I wanted to take one of these swords from the collection I was supposed to be organizing and slice all the other Quartzes in half. When I got a moment to myself, I had began to ponder on how weird I was beginning to feel. The realization had hit me like a freight train, as humans would say, and I stood there bewildered by these new feelings. But I was soon interrupted by the booming voice of my agate.

"DEFECT 5M29, GET BACK TO WORK ORGANIZING THAT SWORD COLLECTION!"

"Yes, my merciful agate."

I had always been fascinated by swords ever since that day as well. I wanted to learn everything there was to know about them, and then tell everyone else what I had learned. However, pearls were not allowed to talk at length without explicit permission, and I had to keep all this glorious information to myself.


	2. Courtship

3/23/2000:

Courting or "dating" as humans call it was a lot stranger on Homeworld than on Earth. Lower class gems like Pearls, and especially defective Pearls like me were not allowed to court another gem. Of course that does not mean that we don't have romantic feelings. For a short time, maybe three decades or so, I had a bit of secret crush on another defective Pearl. She was wonderful, her gem was a teardrop shape and was located on her lower back. Unfortunately she was shattered as punishment for spitting in the face of a very important obsidian. A few of my fellow defectives had secret romances with other gems. One Pearl, whose gem was lumpy and bumpy and was located on her left shoulder blade had rendezvous with a Larimar who belonged to Blue Diamond. They never got caught as far as I know. But that is neither here or there. For example, important Quartzes might have the option to court one another during peacetime. When I realized my feelings for Rose I knew that I would never be able to officially court her. But that did not stop me from trying and failing to gauge whether or not she felt the same way about me as I did about her. On numerous occasions I thought that she was attempting to flirt with me. In fact, the occasion on which we met could be considered an attempt at flirting on her part. It happened one fateful day when Pink Diamond called a meeting of her most important court members. My Agate had brought me and all her other defective Pearls along for some reason, and Rose just happened to be sitting by me. 

"Hello there Pearl. I am a Rose Quartz who just emerged from the Prime Kindergarten. How long has it been since you emerged?"

"I emerged from the Nacre nursery about two thousand years ago."

"I am thinking of changing my hair. I might make it longer and curlier. Your hair looks lovely, did your owner tell you how to style it or did you do that yourself?"

"I created this hairstyle all by myself."

"Oh, well you are a lot smarter than other Pearls I've met. And a lot prettier too."

"Okay."

I fidgeted with the edges of my transparent jacket and stared straight ahead at my Agate. I wanted to tell this strange Quartz to leave me alone immediately, didn't she know that you weren't supposed to talk to Pearls who weren't your own?

But she kept on finding ways to see me and she kept on talking to me, and I kept on humoring her attempts at friendship.


	3. Confusion

4/2/2000

I mentioned that Rose kept on finding ways to see me. She would interrupt me during my cleaning duties, she would interrupt me duirng my paperwork duties, and worst of all, she would interrupt me while I had some free time while I was trying to learn more about swords. I wasn't able to read more than the basic informative plaques that hung around Pink Diamonds temple until Rose gave me a spare key to the Diamonds library (Such a trouble maker, she was!). 

I also mentioned that Rose might have flirted with me numerous times. I cleary remember the time we were talking about courtship via a spare text communicator, and she said (or typed I suppose):

"I don't know why they won't allow Pearls to court. Any gem would be lucky to be able to court have a hot gem like you."

"I'm a hot gem?"

"Yes."

I cannot forget about the time when she said that I could find a courting companion in less than five minutes if I tried. Or the all the times when she basically drooled over how smart I was. The time when she said that I would find a courting companion someday is certainly unforgettable as well. There were many occasions of potential flirting, but those are the most remarkable. All of these happened after I realized my feelings and these instances of flirtation made pure heat radiate from my gemstone to the point where I thought it would melt right at her feet.


	4. Hurt

4/12/2000

I won't be writing about Homeworld anymore. By the time the next eventful thing happened between Rose and myself we were halfway through the gem war. Actually, that was a slight fabrication. Nothing truly eventful happened. This was when my feelings started to become painful. We were in the middle of a war and yet I spent my time imagining Rose and myself in all sorts of scenarios in my mind. 

We would walk in a field of beautiful flowers. She would pick me up and carry me around in a position that humans would call "bridal style", and I would nuzzle my nose into her chest and speak softly to her, carefully detailing how much I loved her and everything I wanted to do to her and with her. 

We would lay down together on the top of a mountain and stare at the night stars, discussing how maybe we could stay here together forever after this rebellion that we started. 

All in my head of course. 

I had thoughts like these so often that they began to surround me with briers, limiting my movements and isolating me from my dear Rose. It was still just me and her of course, so it wasn't like anyone else was stealing her attention. At least not for a very long time. I even began to take up sketching in order to relieve some of this tension. I would carve depictions of me and her into rocks and tree trunks, always far away enough that she would never see them. She has never seen them, as far as I know. Now of course, she never will. Maybe I will start with this hobby again. I won't have to use trees and rocks though. Instead I might use one of those modern sketchpads, and a pencil rather than a whittling knife.


	5. Confession

4/22/2000

I mentioned during my last entry that my feelings became painful during the middle of the war. This did impact my performance but we ended up winning nonetheless. Right after the final battle, Rose and I finally had some alone time as Garnet was gathering abandoned weapons from the coastal battlefield. We were all that was left of the once large rebellion, Rose Garnet and I. That day was when my mental state was at its worst condition in quite some time. Rose asked me if I was okay, and I said that I wasn't but that we needed to wait until we were alone to talk about it. Rose had grown fond of eating, while I still detested the activity. She had gathered some berries to eat while I waited. 

"Do you still want to talk about it?"

"Yes. It all started flaring up a few weeks ago at the battle of the ziggurat. I tried to destroy that Citrines form with a silly sword move I had recently read about. I made a complete fool out of myself. I can't believe that I ever thought of myself as smart or as a skilled swordsmaster."

"You didn't make a fool out of yourself. You helped us win that battle! Not to mention that you did end up destroying that Citrines form! I don't think that it's even possible for you to make a fool out of yourself, Pearl."

"If you say so. But I was never smart. I couldn't find my way out of a one-way cavern even if I tried. All I'm good for is lecturing people on the history of swordfighting, in both human and gem culture. "

"Don't say that about yourself. You're truly amazing."

I couldn't help but blush in a bright shade of periwinkle.

"I'm ugly and undesireable too. No gem has ever looked at me and thought anything even remotely romantic."

"You are pretty. I had a crush on you when we first met, you know."

"Okay."

"But I forced my feelings to go away because I quicky figured out that you were becoming my best friend and I didn't want anything to ruin that."

"You should've told me. I might've been more receptive than you thought. Me and you are reasonable gems, I'm sure if it didn't work out we would have found a way to continue being friends, and I've had feelings for the past thousand years at this point."

"But I guess there is nothing we can do now because both of our feelings have faded."

"No."

"But you just said tha-"

"I said for the past thousand years."

"Oh. Sorry, I thought you said a thousand years ago."

I wanted to "facepalm" as humans would say, but I decided not to. There was a long silence afterwards. 

"Well, I'm glad you told me this."


End file.
